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| layout | title | description | tags | discuss | archived | |
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| blog | 😢 Lows | About depression and what it feels like when I don't know what to do with myself |
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https://twitter.com/Ellpeck/status/1186028260838334471 | true |
So some of you might be disappointed that this isn't the next Java tutorial. Well, today and the last couple of days, I haven't been feeling like working on those, because.. I've been depressed again. I never know how to describe it, or how to say it without seeming like it's just.. something I say when I'm too lazy to work on things.
This post will probably be a little all over the place, because that's also the mood that my head is currently in, but I'll try to explain to you what it feels like to me to have a low low follow a high high, mood-wise.
Highs
When I say that I'm depressed, it means something different than when I say that I'm suffering from depression. Because, for me, depression isn't a constant state. Before depression hits, I have long periods of highs, long periods of what non-depressed people would probably just call.. normal moods.
I get up in the mornings, I enjoy breakfast, I go to University, I do my daily chores, I sit down at my computer, I code, I play some games, and then I go to bed. Normal days, really.
And if you don't suffer from depression, then you might think "Well, what's so special about that?", and the annoying thing is: That's exactly what I also think when I'm experiencing a high. I take it for granted, and I never even stop to think about how great it is that I'm currently feeling normal about my life.
Lows
And then a low hits. And the longer the high has been going on for, the longer I was happy for, the harder it hits. Right now, I've been feeling low for two days, after a high that lasted almost a month. When I'm going through a low phase like now, my day works a lot differently.
I wake up at noon. I stay in bed. I check my phone. Hours pass. I think to myself "What am I doing?" I check my phone. After a while, I force myself to get up; I might even take a shower. I find some cookies in the back of my fridge; those'll be good enough for breakfast, I think to myself. I sit down at my computer. I watch some videos. "What am I doing?" Maybe some more videos. "What am I doing? I don't know what to do." I start Minecraft. "This sounds like fun!" I play for five minutes. I close the game again. "What am I doing?" I watch some videos. I start The Sims 4. I play for half an hour, and then I close the game again. "What am I doing?" I watch some more YouTube videos. I listen to some music. Should I do my coursework now? Not in the mood. I open IntelliJ. Let's work on some code. I glance at a couple of files, and then I close it again. "What am I doing?"
Take that whole description, and slow it down by about 200%. That's what a low day feels like to me. I feel like every single hour; every single minute even, is filled with doubt and emptiness and just... nothing.
This is so hard to explain for me because I also don't.. see myself in these low phases. I don't look at myself. I don't observe what I'm doing. It's like I'm not even there; it's like I'm not inside my own body, doing these activities with it. It's like it's just doing everything on some sort of weird auto-pilot mode.
So until that passes, I probably won't be working on any tutorials, or anything, really. Let's hope it passes fairly soon, because I'm honestly sick of forcing myself to eat cookies for breakfast. It might sound great, but eating something when you have absolutely no desire to eat things is... quite unpleasant, really.